Why it’s never boring being a Newcastle fan

Not a football fan in the world could deny that Newcastle United is a unique club with an incredibly erratic past. In a whirlwind last twenty years, just about everything that could have happened to a football club has happened to the Magpies. Just as events seem to simmer down, they blow up. Do not expect a quiet season.

In December 2010, steady progress was being made. After suffering the bizarre nightmare of relegation from the Premier League two seasons beforehand, Newcastle sat halfway up the same league after a bafflingly consistent year in the Championship, from which they were promoted as table-toppers with 105 points. First-time manager Chris Hughton, the patchy-haired perennial understudy who could feasibly finish 11th in a Barack Obama lookalike contest, had managed to temper an infamously disparate squad into a close-knit family of a football team.

In the summer of 2010, Hughton oversaw the shrewd purchases of Ivorian anchorman Cheik Tiote for a measly £3.5m and flamboyant speed demon Hatem Ben Arfa (initially on loan) from Ligue 1 champions Marseille. After a pair of impressive 1-0 wins away to both Everton and Arsenal, and at home, euphoric 6-0 and 5-1 demolitions of Aston Villa and Sunderland, everything seemed to be going nicely. But this is Newcastle United.

Club owner and national joke Mike Ashley, a cross between a ghost of the Michelin Man and a thumb, now the usual proponent of the Magpies misfortunes, decided that the humble, respected and successful Hughton needed to be replaced with Alan Pardew, reportedly after Ashley’s equally-inept PR disaster of a Managing Director Derek Llambias ran into Pardew at a London casino. In mid-December, seemingly bored of spending months not being ridiculed in the press and the stands, the board signed sacked Hughton and signed Pardew on a six-year deal.

In typically narrative-defying fashion, Newcastle then beat Liverpool 3-1 at home in Pardew’s first game in charge, as fans and players alike paid tribute to Hughton. Goals from tabloid magnets Kevin Nolan, Joey Barton and Andy Carroll in a frantic, dispute-ridden game perhaps made this the defining moment of the club’s barmy season.

Then came another bombshell. On the final day of the transfer window, top scorer and local lad Andy Carroll was sold to Liverpool for £35m. Most commentators would agree that this is a good price for the giraffe-like bruiser, who has still only played less than a full Premier League season, and is sure to court controversy throughout his career. Carroll had been involved in bust-ups with teammate Steven Taylor, a local in a nightclub and allegedly a girlfriend. He was charged for two of the three incidents, and then court-ordered to live with team captain Kevin Nolan. Then came accusations from the ever-restrained News of the World that Carroll had a cocaine-fulled threesome in Nolan’s house.

It is not the sale itself that sits uneasily with onlookers, but the incoherent and slightly embarrassing fashion in which it was carried out. After repeatedly telling the press Carroll was not for sale, the club seemed to finally buckle after Carroll handed in a transfer request, a story that the player himself vehemently denies, claiming that the club made him submit a request to appease their fans. Half a season without madcap high jinks is enough for Newcastle fans. This agitation manifested itself as pre-season preparations began at nearby Darlington, in a game which was as low-key as possible until Sammy Ameobi, younger brother of clumsy genius Shola, scored thumping drive that inspired a good-natured yet ill-advised pitch invasion. After a few home fans found their way into the away section, there were scenes of violence that spilled back out onto the pitch.

As an onlooker, I couldn’t help but feel that this was a cathartic release of idiocy after a considerable withdrawal period. Oddities continued as club captain and top scorer Kevin Nolan was sold to West Ham. Recently, bad-boy turned lucid philosopher (and excellent footballer) Joey Barton and gun-toting ex-gangster Nile Ranger, along with new signing Yohan Cabaye, were denied visas for the team’s pre-season tour of the USA. Other new signings Demba Ba and Sylvain Marveaux were captured on free transfers (and are both reported to have chronic injury problems) and reasonably, yet somehow naïvely expectant Newcastle supporters are informed by both Pardew and Llambias that the £35m raised by the sale of Carroll has rapidly dwindled due to ‘massive fees’ involving agents and other bureaucracy, and as such the fans should not expect much more investment in the transfer market. One wonders where money generated by TV rights, ticket sales, competition prizes and player sales actually ends up… The circus continues.

Written by David Crow

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